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For my book on dating and relationships, I talked in depth with many men who date women, and polled Americans on gendered expectations.Male and female survey respondents said they felt the two biggest stressors for men were still “supporting their family financially” and “being successful in their job or career.” I learned a lot of heterosexual men still want to be a full contributing partner — someone who has the capacity to support a significant other financially and practically if needed, and someone who brings home at least their fair share of the bacon in a dual-earning household.But while this applies to all relationships, I’d argue it applies quite consistently to modern men forming opposite-sex partnerships — especially those for whom the pressure to “succeed,” “provide” and conform to a gender role was (sometimes subconsciously) impressed from a young age, changing and intensifying the markers by which they measure self-esteem.The resulting landscape, as I see it, is one wherein men are often stuck on the bottom levels of the pyramid a little bit longer.But in my view, it doesn’t encompass the very real and nuanced reality of how we build lives and loves.I watched this explanation gaslight some of the coolest, brightest women I knew.And here’s where one of my basic theories on modern relationships comes in.I like to illustrate it using some classic psych, a.k.a.

Today, men and women alike repeatedly told me they wanted a partner who “makes them better.” We are a generation focused on self-actualization: fulfillment, satisfaction, reaching our highest potential (level 5, peak #goals).

Fantastically, true modern partnerships (or at least our idea of them) can and should help us self-actualize, elevate us, and help us become our best selves.

But we need esteem — level 4, knowing who we are and what we bring to the table, having couple, opposite-sex or same-sex: When one person is lower in the pyramid, there is less headspace for love (level 3), especially of the makes-me-better, self-actualizing variety (level 5) because he or she must first tend to self-esteem (level 4).

“That was a good match,” he admitted to me years later.

Dating a commitment-phobe is thankfully pretty uncommon, but it’s also something you never expect to happen to you (until it does).

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Hats off to the men and women who so beautifully juggle career and love, or those who have decided to fully embrace their single status because it brings them more joy or makes them feel like their most actualized selves.

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